False Start

Welp, today is not a good day.

Neither was yesterday, tbh. I am not writing as much as I should, and today I just kind of stared at the document all afternoon and went, forget it. I did rewrite what I’ve had in the chapter so far, just enough to make my brain happy that it’s sorta readable. I’ve learned that if I don’t do at least that much I would never move on to the next section because I’ll just trip over it over and over, no matter how much I force myself to go on. But if I fix it JUST enough that it makes rudimentary sense (is not beautiful nor sensible in the long term, but that’s for the true rewrite), I can trick my brain into thinking “okay, you’ve edited, it’s alright now” and move on. Makes me feel like getting around Purple Man’s conditions in the most technically acceptable way.

(Jessica Jones reference if you’re wondering.)

But apparently not today. It’s almost dinner time and I have written like 10 new words. Not good. Will have to try more tomorrow.

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A Mess of a Journal

I’ve taken a look at what I’ve posted on this blog, and I only can say that: this is a mess.

So many random things, so many unfinished thoughts, unfinished series, unfinished books, just about everything is unfinished, pretty much. I get that it’s a blog, a personal one at that, but I thought I could at least get some semblance of organization. If I started something I should stick to it, but that’s my problem, isn’t it? Personality flaw. I start so many wonderful things and then don’t finish them. (By wonderful I mean I think they’re wonderful, not objectively so to anyone else.) It sucks that I can’t even keep myself happy. I feel like I’m doomed to just have half-finished everything for the rest of my life.

*Sigh*

The only thing I sort of consistently touched upon were the Friday Fictioneer bits. I could keep doing that, I suppose. It doesn’t really do me much good, but who knows. Can’t hurt to write more, ne?

I’m going to seriously try to write more often here. I say this every time I start again, but since Camp NaNoWriMo April is coming, at least I can make it a habit for one month. Oh yeah, did I mention I’m participating again? I am. I won last July for the first time in one of these NaNo writing things. Maybe I can win again this time, too.

Scratched Cornea and Other Hazards

I’ve been away this week because I friggin’ scratched my cornea on Monday. Yep, was taking a shower and jabbed myself in the eye by accident and that was it. Couldn’t blink without being in some serious pain, so husband took me to the closest emergency room and pretty much spent all night waiting. I swear they literally had one doctor on duty, and it wasn’t until 5 in the morning did we finally got everything taken care of. Eyepatch in place, antibiotic cream applied, we were both exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep, even though closing the eye itself hurt.

Pretty much spent the entire next day in bed sleeping. The prescription grade ibuprofen helped a lot, too. It makes me amazed that people could take so much painkillers that this would have done nothing when it pretty much dulled the entire pain enough for me to sleep the whole day. When I was in the emergency room there was a druggie in the bed next to me. He was begging for painkillers and the nurse gave him drips of morphine and he was still begging, said he’d been on fentanyl for a long time. I was like wow dude, isn’t that the stuff that’s killing heroin users because it’s so potent? How’re you still alive? I hope he’s okay.

Anyway, so I pretty much couldn’t see for a while. Couldn’t read, couldn’t blink without tearing up, all that stupid jazz. Basically sat on my bed and listened to podcasts or slept. And sometime on Wednesday afternoon, after I slept way more than a person should in a 48 hour period, I realized something:

I haven’t been this relaxed in a long, long time.

That is significant, because I’m habitually super anxious, and there like literally two things that make me feel relaxed and both are very pricey to do. My brain’s always working and worrying about something (mostly my writings these recent years). But sitting on that bed, physically unable to do any work, I feel like a huge pressure had been lifted. (No, it wasn’t the drugs talking either. It’s just ibuprofen for one, and I took the same dose for a few more days and I didn’t feel it after I could see and read again.) Like, you literally couldn’t possibly write anything for a while, so your brain finally goes ‘fine, I give up, stop thinking about how much of a failure you are because your body failed you first’. And so, I was very, very content, for a day.

I told my husband afterwards and he was like, maybe I should just lock your computer with a different password for one day. That way you’re physically prevented from working and you can relax, because you can’t just go 7 days a week all the time. I thought that was a sound idea, so we’re going to try that next week (I’ve already relaxed all week this week). I’ll let you know how it goes.

Third…Week?

I’ve been writing pretty steadily ever since July Camp NaNoWriMo started, which I’m surprised at myself. I’m still on track for the normal goal but behind on the stretch goal, but hey, it’s a stretch goal. No need to sweat too much about it, right?

Until this week. Yep, I haven’t written a word since Tuesday. On the one hand it’s good that my ‘can’t get past third day’ curse has now morphed to ‘can’t get past third week’ curse, on the other, well I can’t get past third week! I need to write more! Or at least continue where I left off, but for one reason or another I’ve just been procrastinating. It’s true that I’m starting a new chapter so I’m a little bit apprehensive on my characterization, setting, etc., but that’s no excuse. And it certainly shouldn’t have crippled my drive. I’m chalking it up to constant stress the past two weeks writing. But come on, if I can’t handle stress this mild (?) how does the rest of the world handle a daily stressful job? Granted, the logical side of me is saying that I actually have a daily stressful job with essentially no breaks, but like I said everyone is going through the same thing more or less intact (save people who don’t have to do anything to stay alive ala trust fund people etc.). I mean they also have other stresses like providing for a family and taking care of children and all that stuff. I’m living it easy for now, so it’s even stupider that I can’t work now.

I’m not sure whether I’ll get more writing today. I did just buy a new journal for writing notes – I found the idea of actually keeping a written notebook of all of my ideas rather than randomly strew them across various online platforms to be a better route. I am definitely a digital-age writer – couldn’t ever imagine writing anything longhand, not even when I first started. But with the discovery of bullet journaling I’m slowly coming back around to paper and pen once more. Maybe if I can’t get words down I can at least get more brainstorming to help with the words later. I still have ample time to catch up.