Well, more like a more realistic assessment on how fast I can finish this novel. I did a brief calculation yesterday and it looks like it’ll be a few days into March for me to finish it, if I write on schedule. It’s not ideal, but I know for a fact it won’t take longer than that. It’s just…I was hoping it’ll be done mid-February. I have no idea how to convey this to my s.o. because, as supportive as he is, he is definitely on the “omg how long will this take you it’s already been two years!” It’s true. And it’s 100% my fault. (Well, it’s partly depression’s fault, but ultimately that’s kind of an excuse, you know? I could’ve worked harder when I was less depressed, and I certainly could’ve this past month) So I’m just hoping he won’t ask until February and then I can be like, hey I’m done with 25 out of the 31 parts I’m going to have so…please wait a few more weeks?
Yeah…I better get to work.
I did not make it this year either. Like expected. I did maybe 10,000 more words on my novel, which makes it about 35,000 for now. Out of a planned 60k. Oy vey.
But I don’t feel discouraged at all. I actually feel like things are finally, finally going. I think after a year of depression, a year of struggling, I’m finally on track of working as a writer this year. Three years. Fucking depression and fear of failure kept me from my dream job for three years. It’s ridiculous. I have so much lost time to make up. All I can do is steadily work from now on, and doing NaNoWrimo proved that I can 1) make a plan and stick to it; 2) capable of writing a shitty first draft and not erase every single word the next day; 3) actually finish things. I also discovered my words max out around 800-1000 per day. Anymore it’s just not even remotely salvageable.
This does mean I probably will never “win” a NaNoWriMo of 50k in a month. And that’s ok. I probably will still participate every year, and just not care if I can only write 20-30k. The Prep October I do is worth it alone, imo.
2016 had been a shitty year worldwide. Ironically it was the most productive for me for a long time. 2017 better be the year where shit happens and I PUBLISH something. I will damn sure try harder, because obviously my best this year was still stumbling and not enough. It’s high time I do more. I can’t control who’ll publish me, what’ll get published, how it’ll sell, and all that junk. The only one I can control is myself, and well, myself could definitely do more.
I did not have a good day.
I only managed to write about half the words needed yesterday. Better than nothing, but not what I set out to do. In the middle of last night I got woken up with intense cramps from menstruation – man, if i could trade the ability to have children with not suffering horrible monthly pain and ridiculous bleeding (so much that I become anemic and have chronic low iron) I’d do so in a heartbeat. But it’s the usual three Advil every six hours routine for the next three or four days for me. Because I have to take Advil with food so I don’t burn a hole in my stomach, I got up before the sun and made myself breakfast. And then because I only had like four hours of horrible sleep I went back to bed again. And passed out til near noon.
I am not in a good place to write today. Had to cancel lunch with my author friend since all I want was stay in bed with some tea and read. But no, it’s not that NaNo should be grueling perseverance or anything remotely such, but I also promised myself that I will finish my novel, soon, hopefully before the end of the year. People with horrible health problems all have to get up and go to work everyday, so what’s my stupid excuse? It’s not even bad just pain that go away for a while with enough painkillers. I don’t have to do backbreaking work – a privilege, I should say. So right now I’m going to try to start writing – at 4 in the afternoon. Better than not writing, and any little bit of progress is still progress, despite how futile it currently seems.