Today is one of those days where I just don’t feel like working. I want to lie down on the bed, get some snacks, and read or play some video games. It’s Saturday, I know, but seriously my job has no “days off,” or can have one any day of the week, which I’ve deemed, so far, as Wednesday. And today is not it!
My novel feels endless. I mean, it’s moving forward, yes, but the end goalpost keeps moving too. It has blossomed from a novella to a full blown novel of 40k and now it’s going toward 60k with no stopping. I feel like I’m at the half way mark since forever. It feels so discouraging! Everybody just tells me to “keep pushing” but, what if the push takes 10 years? OK, it won’t take 10 years, hopefully, but another year is a total possibility and that makes me so sad. I’m supposed to be done with this this month and move on to my short stories. What in the seventh hell?
I feel like I know exactly what to do with my life, but that goal is bad. It’s like someone deemed their goal in life is to eat Cheetos and watch TV. Yeah, it’s a goal, but you’ll die if you don’t make money. And that’s where I am. I’m writing a novel with no money. I’m only lucky that I have a supportive family and stuff. And what am I doing? Writing at a snail’s pace on ONE novel, forever. It’s ridiculous. But even keeping up with the daily word count is hard. I should be pushing myself to the limit, but I’ve done that, and all that did was drive me into further depression and completely block my creative side. I’ve learned to pace myself now, but then, the pace is way too slow. It’s like nothing ever goes right in this career path. But then I also don’t know, literally, how to do anything else. And if I try to start over (i.e. give up writing and find a “normal” job), well, I’ve been out of work for five years. So yeah, it’ll be shit with shit pay and shit hours, so, again, not helping any either. It’s really not worth it.
I’m alright. It’s just one of those days. I don’t know what to do with myself besides keep going.
I just want to quickly update that I was so stressed yesterday about my writing. Getting back into the work after a long vacation and sleepless days is daunting, and I’m sorry, but I wasn’t able to push through like most normal people would’ve. I freaked out that my outline is completely bonkers (again) and everything I write sucks and my novel is doomed and I’m never going to be a writer, etc. etc. I’ll spare you the drama. The point is, I thought I had to rework my ridiculously not working novel from scratch, again.
Today I bit the bullet, chugged some tea, and just looked at my outline again. Not even thinking of writing (as I am already behind on my June goal, since I didn’t write yesterday, or today, yet). And I looked at the last, most recent outline I had, and realized that….
IT WAS FINE.
Like, okay, I had to tweak a few paragraphs and maybe add a chapter or two to build character and relationships and bridge some plot. But overall, it was workable, I wrote most of the stuff, and IT. WAS. FINE.
What the fuck brain? Made me freak out for two days when I could just be going on working like, bloody hell. I could definitely just pick up where I left off and keep going with the novel. Oy.
I’m so hopeless. Note to self. Before you freak out go back and READ WHAT YOU HAD. Second time this happened in like the past half year. I swear I need an AI to constant tell me “here’s what you already done look it’s PERFECTLY FINE to continue your work”. In a sexy, calming way like J.A.R.V.I.S. does of course. You know, I really need J.A.R.V.I.S. or SAM in my life. Get on it Microsoft! One freakout over nothing is one freakout too many!
Sooo I spent the past two days wrangling with my novel’s timeline, now that I’m pretty deep into it and need to make adjustments. I was driving myself bonkers because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to include more character POVs or not, and some of the details and order of the events didn’t jive with me, so I combed through my plotline again. And again. And many times trying to make heads or tails of it.
And then I happened to click on an old timeline – the original one I wrote way back in October – just to see what it had. And of course I discovered that it’s friggin’ perfect. Like, everything makes sense and is logical and there’s a very, very good spread of different character POVs. It’s exactly what I was working towards, and I apparently already have it, for a long time. I just forgot that it existed.
Note to self: CHECK WHAT YOU HAVE before devoting time doing useless things. Oy. The good news is that now I have a full, detailed chapter list, and all I need to do is stick to the script and write the damn thing. The bad news is, well, now I have to keep writing the damn thing. Isn’t that always the kicker when it comes to authoring, though? This continual self-motivated work life. It is the pits.