I’m slotting today for working on NaNo. No, I’m not “behind” per se (or I’m just perpetually “behind” since I wasn’t aiming for 50k to begin with), but I am behind in the sense that I didn’t write the sections that I wanted yesterday, because I need to really sort out my timeline for the novel – again! How many bloody timelines do I have to do per novel? So far my number is like, 5, but I thought that’s already like 4 to many – considering I thought I had a pretty comprehensive timeline to begin with. Ah, guess novel plots change all the time, part of the course.
I tried the methods my therapist told me, and it was horrible! OK, so the relaxation one worked. I could feel it working and afterwards I feel like my shoulders are less tension-y, which is good. The other exercise though, boy. I thought I had like, 4 or 5 worries. Yeah…no…I wrote an entire page about everything I worry about – like 20 items or more – and then I freaked myself out. Right after the first day my heart was pounding and I was short of breath, and then when I exited the room there was a giant wolf spider just scurrying down the hall and I screamed like crazy (from being startled; I’m not that afraid of spiders except really venomous ones). Husband killed it, btw, since does bite. Anyway, I tried the thing again yesterday and I realized I was holding my breath the whole time and had to physically relax so I don’t end up passing out. I don’t know how this exercise is suppose to help. I guess we’ll see in a week if does anything aside from giving me a daily heart attack or something.
I am so not ready.
I’m a truly planner by heart. Everything goes down to the last detail kind of person. Now I’m pretty much pantsing the whole thing (i.e. writing on the fly) and I am just not comfortable with that. Adding in all the stuff I have to do pre-surgery and…yeah…am totally freaking out.
I guess there’s so much to do in life that you just have to take it one step at a time. So today I’ll have to do stuff I’ve said I’d do for like, a week now, but have been procrastinating due to stress/fear/other things. Mostly chore things, but also work, and figuring out how to call insurance so I know I won’t get bankrupted from major surgery. (I’ve never had surgery before so I guess I’ll have to learn these logistics things). And clean the house it’s so gross now from my negligence. And NaNo starts in two days. Oh my god!
Deep breaths. Woot. I suppose I should start with, hah, actually writing. My bullet journal’s all ready to go again, so at least there’s that small dose of encouragement.
Time for an actual update of myself. Let’s start with NaNoWriMo, shall we?
I had the month all planned out. Got my bullet journal ready and for the first few days I was totally meeting my goals. I was feeling optimistic, driven, and then of course I had to jab myself in the eye and got my cornea scratched…yeah…did anyone ever tell you that if you get your cornea scratched it takes like, 2-6 months to completely heal? Yep, so guess who spent the majority of this month unable to see without hurting her eyes on a semi-regular basis? It doesn’t help that right now LA is 100 degrees and dry as hell. I had to go buy a gel eye drop just so I don’t wake up with crazy gunk scratching up my eyes again the morning. Broke out the trusty old humidifier, too. On top of that I got a date for my fibroid surgery set (had a talk with my gyno and decided to remove the damn thing after all), and then I spent the days where I could see calling and setting up pre-op/post-op/other necessary medic appointments. I’m supposed to receive a packet in the mail detailing everything involving this surgery. It’ll probably be here today or tomorrow.
Needless to say I got like zero actual planning done after the first week of the month. It sucks. I don’t feel comfortable jumping into this novel without some extensive planning (don’t even have some basic structures down, like how the military’s supposed to work and where are all the different principalities supposed to be connected), so I guess I won’t be writing this novel for NaNo after all. At least, not right away. Instead I’ll be trying to finish some of my ridiculously overdue fanfics. Yep, I’ve had fics that’re two years old, 80% written, and never finished. Also sucks. I feel like all I’m doing is running behind and that’s a sad state of affairs. Granted, it’s health issues and not avoidable, per se, but still annoying. So the first half of NaNo (maybe longer, depends on how satisfied i am with the outline for the second novel) will be fanfic and finishing first novel. Not what I originally planned at all, but sometimes you gotta just make adjustments, no?
On a smaller, happier, quite unrelated note, I learned that there’s going to be a mobile f2p Animal Crossing game coming called Pocket Camp. I’m so happy about that! I’ve waited for a new Animal Crossing since forever, and unlike a lot of “hardcore gamers” I don’t have an aversion to mobile games as a concept at all. I don’t mind microtransactions because I never get sucked into the skinner box and gambling aspects, so I actually enjoy the freemium model very much. The Animal Crossing game is on soft launch right now and will be available just when I go into surgery, I believe. Hopefully I’ll be well enough to play in bed.
I just realized something regarding NaNoWriMo. I already said that I’m not expecting to meet the 50k word count. It’s not how I write and I don’t believe it would help my noveling process better than what I’m currently doing (not that what I’m currently doing is super efficient or anything, but drumming out more words than I have brain juice for is not the cure). So I’m going to do the best I can, but I expect my realistic word count to be around 20k or so. 25k if I push it.
And then I realized: my novel doesn’t have 50k words left. It only has about 20-25k left. 30k tops (that is me way overestimating how much stuff I still need to add). Of course I’m writing it now, and it’s only the beginning of October, and I still have the whole of November to push for the ‘real’ word count.
So what does this mean? It means, by the end of NaNoWrimo this year, if I keep myself diligent and nothing catastrophic happens (like the scratched cornea) that’d prevent me from writing, I will be finished with this novel. Finally. After all this time.
Of course now I’ve said it’ll never get done. But, well, let’s just go and see.
I am prepping for NaNoWriMo this month.
I’ve decided this year for NaNo I’m going to work on two things at once. I need to continue to write my first novel, because god damn that thing needs to be done by now. Of course I’ll be writing it throughout October too, and maybe into December? Anyway, that is a given. In the meantime, I will also write a brand new second novel. The second one will be more fun and casual than my first, because I can’t work on two depressing and serious works at once. I will also care less about how “perfect” the second novel will be, which, to be honest, probably means that I will actually finish that one much faster than my first one. I’m usually my own worst enemy.
So for October I will be doing my usual twist on the Snowflake Method to prep for the new novel. I am quite excited, yes – nothing like a new idea to get a writer’s blood pumping. My first novel will be like my day job while this second novel is the “real” NaNo project, like many NaNo participants who have real job to pay bills while working on NaNo on the side. Am I expecting to “win” NaNo and write 50k words in one month? Nope. I think my monthly word count tops off at 20k; 25k if I push. It doesn’t matter, really. The point of the whole exercise for me is a structured way of working, which I’m still not great at doing despite a few years of practice already. I think once I get that conquered I’ll feel much more validated as a writer, even if I haven’t published anything as of yet.
I did not make it this year either. Like expected. I did maybe 10,000 more words on my novel, which makes it about 35,000 for now. Out of a planned 60k. Oy vey.
But I don’t feel discouraged at all. I actually feel like things are finally, finally going. I think after a year of depression, a year of struggling, I’m finally on track of working as a writer this year. Three years. Fucking depression and fear of failure kept me from my dream job for three years. It’s ridiculous. I have so much lost time to make up. All I can do is steadily work from now on, and doing NaNoWrimo proved that I can 1) make a plan and stick to it; 2) capable of writing a shitty first draft and not erase every single word the next day; 3) actually finish things. I also discovered my words max out around 800-1000 per day. Anymore it’s just not even remotely salvageable.
This does mean I probably will never “win” a NaNoWriMo of 50k in a month. And that’s ok. I probably will still participate every year, and just not care if I can only write 20-30k. The Prep October I do is worth it alone, imo.
2016 had been a shitty year worldwide. Ironically it was the most productive for me for a long time. 2017 better be the year where shit happens and I PUBLISH something. I will damn sure try harder, because obviously my best this year was still stumbling and not enough. It’s high time I do more. I can’t control who’ll publish me, what’ll get published, how it’ll sell, and all that junk. The only one I can control is myself, and well, myself could definitely do more.
Yep. I should have over 10k words for NaNo now but I only have about 5k. Oh well. it’s still early, and I can still climb out of it if I just try, I guess? I don’t know. I’ve been quite busy with life these past few days and I guess I’m just not one that can write 50k words, even if I try? I don’t know. Sorry this post is kind of rambling. I’m just a little dejected. It happens every year but you know, I still have to try, try again.
Some people already won! I mean, write 50k words in 7 days? Like, what the hell? It really feels like people are just typing down whatever and say “editing is for later!” I don’t know how can people do that. I mean obviously they can, but I for one just cannot possibly leave a badly written sentence (or paragraph) alone until I fix it to a certain threshold. That’s how I write I guess. It takes me forever to write anything, but the first draft is never “bad”, imo. Speaking of which, I should be getting off this post and go write. We’ll see how things go. Like I said, it’s still kind of early, and even if say I don’t win NaNo, there’s no rules saying I can’t write until the middle of December or whatever. I’m here to finish a novel, not in a month, but, finish, period. And this is why I always have better luck with Camp Nano – I can set my own more realistic word goals and keep up that way.
I’ll just aim for smaller goals today, and see if I can finally finish up that one section that I’d been stuck on for days. Christ.