To the Bone (Spoilers)

My husband really doesn’t like watching depressing movies and shows. To him entertainment should be uplifting and happy, as a way of escape. I of course beg to differ. I like serious films, sometimes even artsy ones. I’m no film buff – I watch movies like I read books: to experience a unique story from another person’s POV. (Which doesn’t mean I don’t also like mindless entertainment. I do. But they have their place.) Anyway, now that my husband’s away, what’s a better time to watch all these serious and/or depressing films, right?

So I decided to watch To the Bone today. During dinner, no less. It’s supposed to be about how anorexia “really is”, allegedly, and I’ve hung around tumblr enough to know what “thinspiration” and everything involved means. So I was curious to see how they did this, and see if they glorified it in any way. It’s interesting to see that they casted Lily Collins, who actually had an eating disorder when she was younger. She lost some serious amount of weight for the role, I heard, which is kind of scary in its own way. I recognized some visual techniques with shadows and makeup and (I’m guessing?) prosthetics to make all the actors look much thinner than they are. So it actually looked, on a pure physical sense, very believable.

I think the movie is good. Yeah, what a bland statement, I know, but that kind of sums it up for me. Mostly because I kind of predicted the emotional growth story arc as I watched, so it was a little, well, boring in that sense. I knew Megan was going to lose her baby right after the baby shower. I knew that Luke’s cheerfulness will bite him in the end (although I was hedging on him actually have a heart failure or something, which sometimes happen just as you’re starting to recover because your heart can’t handle all the work running a heavier body). I knew that Eli will hit rock bottom and somehow then dig herself out, so to speak, and it’s a hopeful end. So as far as character growth and plot elements go they all seem a little bit too hopeful and cliché. (I don’t know what I’m expecting, though. I’m not really rooting for anyone to fail and die, and optimism is kind of the end game, so, yeah, that’s not really a complaint) Maybe it’ll work better in a longer series form? I don’t know.

I do think the movie has fantastic dialogue and all the details about people suffering from eating disorders are so on point. The way they automatically know all the calories of anything, the many ways to purge, the way Eli keep on circling her arm with her fingers to see if it had gotten bigger, the scene at the restaurant where she tastes food and then spits it back out, the fact that someone can look overweight but still be anorexic, etc. etc. Phenomenal job on all those. The film does leaves a lot of things unsaid, because people with ED would immediately understand what was going on and its significance. Though it makes me wonder about the film’s intended audience. I understood a lot because of tumblr, but would people who don’t visit tumblr at all and knows nothing about ED? Would they realize that Eli eating that piece of candy bar is a giant leap forward? Like, yes, they’d get that it’s a big deal, but would they feel how huge a step that is? I mean granted she might exercise it away later, but she actually swallowed it, you know?

The film did get really artsy at some points, especially in the end with Eli’s journey into the sand dunes. I get that she looking at a skeletal corpse of herself is the lightning rod that finally gave her the push to get better. And I get why they did it. It just feels a little too neat for me. So is the bonding scene between her and her mother. I think I’m just expecting a messy film because an eating disorder is a messy business, and the way the film is so composed and, packaged?, is a little weird. I suppose it’s made that way so it conveys the point but doesn’t actually trigger anyone, but it does diminish effect a little. (Like if they have more scenes of Eli exercising like crazy on the stairs or something, or actually showing people throwing up, it would be more impactful. But I understand it might give someone a panic attack, too.)

So all in all it’s a good film. It got a lot of the details right, and it is important to see the struggles of actual sufferers and how well-rounded human beings they are instead of just a sickness. But the plot is a little cliché and the up and downs are a little too tame. A lot is at stake (people’s lives, ffs) but it didn’t give me the feel that it is. A little bit more drama would actually work better. At least for an audience like me who does not suffer from eating disorders.

Happy Thoughts

It’s now morning (well, almost noon) and my husband hasn’t called yet, but I’m feeling much better. I had an unsettling dream (don’t remember exactly what) and I freaked out a little bit over my past mistakes when I woke up, but other than that I’d say it’s an alright start. Iv’e also done a lot of my morning routine much quicker. Huh, never realized talking to someone would actually take up a lot of time. If I just do all my routine in absolute silence I’d probably get it done in 2/3 of the time. But that’d be boring, and a little creepy too if there’re other people around you, like you’re a robot or something.

Speaking of robots, I’ve started to read Philip K. Dick’s short story collection last night, and then after the first one I promptly decided that I’m not going to read them while my husband’s gone. Way too dystopian, literary, and depressing (and usually those are the stories I find fascinating). I need some cheerful happy things to read right now, you know? So I think I’m just going to read comic books. I’ve just started on Saga and so far the two volumes I’ve read are pretty awesome. I also haven’t got through the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series yet (I have up to book 9; they’re so fun and lighthearted and quick to read! Children’s book sometimes can be great escapes if your life is not quite up to par, I think.) So I think the next half month I’ll just be drowning in cartoons because, well, it’s not really a time for contemplating our measly existence against killer robots right now. That can be done later, when I’m in better mental shape.

Loneliness

My husband just left for a two-week trip. I’m feeling kind of lonely, so hey, what’s a better time to blog than now?

It’s been a while since I’ve been left by myself completely while husband goes on a trip. Usually we travel together, or like the last time I left first and then we came back together. It’s kind of lonely, and by kind of I mean very. I cried a little bit because I miss him. He’d never left this late before which contributed. If he were to travel during the morning then by the time night rolls I around I got a whole day to get readjusted and my feelings sorted out, and then everything’s fine. Now I’m just sad. Your house really doesn’t sound so quiet until you’re truly by yourself, you know? Then you’re like, oy, it’ll be two weeks of this? Yeesh!

I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve lived alone for so long before getting together with someone, but then you get used to it, right? I’m sure at some point I was like dude leave me alone it’s too loud in here! The total opposite of now. My husband’s flight is about 12 +3-4 hours (layover) total. So by the time I wake up tomorrow morning he should be able to video chat me. So that’s not too bad. I always do this, actually, when we’re apart. I would be super sad for a few days and then in a week I’ll be back to “alone” mode and everything’s normal again. (Having friends to hang out with also help, but not a requisite.)

I’ve decided that to battle boredom I’m just going to clean the entire friggin’ house for the next two weeks. I don’t mean the usual vaccum/dust/mop thing. I mean like, sort every single crap we’ve neglected to put away these, um, six months? Longer? Anyway, sort everything and put them in their respective places (and if there’s no places yet, make one, new house and all) and then clean everything. The amount of junkmail that we need to shred is like a giant basketfull just sitting on the dining room table. Plus more files/books/knickknacks/souvenirs from travel etc. etc. Hoo, that plus work will keep me busy. Before you know it my husband’ll be back and he’ll be like wow, you’ve been so productive and I’d be like, yeah… I missed you so ultra organization mode kicked in. Then we can actually invite people over without me thinking how messy this house is. I’d consider that a win.

I Win! For once.

I actually made my word count for July Camp NaNoWriMo! Yay!!!

I set a word goal of 16000 words on my novel this month. Yeah, it’s not much, but hey, I actually accomplished what I set out to do this one time. Wow. More than a decade of trying both NaNo and Camp NaNo and never making past halfway of any of my goals, and today is the day. July 2017. Jesus Christ I am horrible at this furious writing thing.

But I’m not going to dwell on all of my past failings, at least not today. I made a word count goal at the beginning of the month, and I’m at it now. So. Kudos to me. I’m going to go have some ice cream to celebrate.

Camp-2017-Winner-Twitter-Header
The official winning banner!

Third…Week?

I’ve been writing pretty steadily ever since July Camp NaNoWriMo started, which I’m surprised at myself. I’m still on track for the normal goal but behind on the stretch goal, but hey, it’s a stretch goal. No need to sweat too much about it, right?

Until this week. Yep, I haven’t written a word since Tuesday. On the one hand it’s good that my ‘can’t get past third day’ curse has now morphed to ‘can’t get past third week’ curse, on the other, well I can’t get past third week! I need to write more! Or at least continue where I left off, but for one reason or another I’ve just been procrastinating. It’s true that I’m starting a new chapter so I’m a little bit apprehensive on my characterization, setting, etc., but that’s no excuse. And it certainly shouldn’t have crippled my drive. I’m chalking it up to constant stress the past two weeks writing. But come on, if I can’t handle stress this mild (?) how does the rest of the world handle a daily stressful job? Granted, the logical side of me is saying that I actually have a daily stressful job with essentially no breaks, but like I said everyone is going through the same thing more or less intact (save people who don’t have to do anything to stay alive ala trust fund people etc.). I mean they also have other stresses like providing for a family and taking care of children and all that stuff. I’m living it easy for now, so it’s even stupider that I can’t work now.

I’m not sure whether I’ll get more writing today. I did just buy a new journal for writing notes – I found the idea of actually keeping a written notebook of all of my ideas rather than randomly strew them across various online platforms to be a better route. I am definitely a digital-age writer – couldn’t ever imagine writing anything longhand, not even when I first started. But with the discovery of bullet journaling I’m slowly coming back around to paper and pen once more. Maybe if I can’t get words down I can at least get more brainstorming to help with the words later. I still have ample time to catch up.

Distracted

I’m supposed to be working – been at the computer for a good two hours now, and I’ve gotten exactly 141 words done. I kept on getting distracted by everything – cute websites, images galleries, kotaku, my army of ipad apps that I play, playlists on Youtube. Oy. Later I have to go out and do the week’s shopping, and tomorrow we’re going to Chinatown, so more time spent. I need to work. But I’m just not concentrating.

My s.o. bought a fidget spinner and it arrived today. I can confidently say that I am not a fan of fidget spinners mostly because my hands are too small to use them effectively. I don’t know what kids do, but I sure as hell can’t spin that thing one-handed without hitting various parts of my fingers. It also doesn’t help with my anxiety. I’ve never spun pens or anything and a toy like that just makes my hand ache. I think a fidget cube is more to my style. I actually want to buy the original, high-quality one from antsy labs, but boy, do they charge a premium. Since Amazon Prime Day is coming up maybe I can snag a deal for a much cheaper alternative. Of course I’d be compromising on quality, but if it turns out that fidget cubes don’t help at least I didn’t just waste 25 dollars trying.

I should’ve gone to the beach with the weather so nice today. But I’m just stuck in the house trying to work and NOT working and wasting my day. I don’t feel very good about how I’m spending my day right now.

A Little Behind

I didn’t work yesterday. I also didn’t work on July 4th because I went a party that lasted pretty much all day. It was awesome! Just…not very productive…

I have so many things I want to talk about on this blog it’s kind of, I don’t know, intimidating? I feel like once I miss the window (like, say, watching Wonder Woman a month ago and STILL HAVEN’T got around to blog about how pretty awesome it was. Or Moonlight. I really want to talk about it but I saw that movie seriously like half a year ago. There’s still half a post sitting in the draft folder. Crazy.) I totally would never talk about it again. It just feels so weird, you know? So..I don’t know where I’m going with this exactly, just that I want to post more and just been too lazy. Major procrastinator, this one.

I’m going to work today. I’m actually doing fairly well on Camp NaNoWriMo for once, pretty much kept to schedule until, well, yesterday. And if you’re thinking “girl it’s only been 7 days” well, I don’t think I’ve ever kept up past day 3 in these challenges, so it’s almost double the length, so, yeah, totally legit victory!

Ugh, lame, I know. Well, I’m going to try to catch up this weekend. At least then I can say I kept going despite setbacks, and not that I failed again. Fingers crossed.