The Ants Situation

We put down a crapload of Terro ant traps and watched those little buggers swarm the bait. My kitchen was pretty much unusable for the past two days, but after a day the ants stopped coming. And now they’re clear there. I can cook again today, which makes me excited. Am getting sick of instant food and takeouts.

Except this morning the ants have reappeared (in singles and duos) in the upstairs bathroom! This was where they were coming in in the first place, until they found the kitchen. So it looks like we’ll be trapping the bathrooms for a bit, too. Ants! Hate ’em!

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Health Update

So I’m going to talk about how I’m sick today. Nothing too graphic or crazy, yet, but we’ll see, I guess.

So one day I woke up and my lower abdomen just kind of…puffed up. Went from a size 8 to size 10 overnight, so it’s definitely not because I gained weight nor pregnant. At first I thought it was just regular bloating from a bad PMS, but as my period came and went nothing changed. I went to the gyno first, found nothing wrong, and so went to my primary physician who just happened to specialize in gastrointestinal issues. He felt around and said it’s not gas at all, but something solid-ish, and said I should go get an external ultrasound, take some laxatives, and book a pregnancy test to eliminate the more easy options. Then we’ll see.

I’m worried, of course, but I don’t feel any different aside from a bulging abdomen. No fever, no diarrhea, no vomiting, nothing. So…not sure what’s happening. Could be a hernia but the doc said it’s unlikely if I didn’t have surgery beforehand. The result of the pregnancy came back and I’m definitely not pregnant (it’s a blood test so super accurate). I’ve booked my ultrasound for Friday (did you know you had to drink 32 oz of water an hour beforehand? Weird.) And I’m taking laxatives today.

I’ve never taken laxatives before, so I’m a little nervous. It’s Miralax so it’s not going to go postal on my digestive system, but still. Well, we’ll see if this makes any difference.

I’m Still Here!

Yep, journal not dead. Sorry my few followers! I’ve been extremely busy this past month. Been sick for a bit (still am, going to doctors for more tests later this week), then my parents came to see me for half a month. I haven’t seen them for three years so it was an ordeal. And now my house is getting pest infestation (Argentine ants! Horrible things!) I also got more work to do and NaNo to prep and all those pesky writing things. So I’m just going to keep this update short and let you guys know a quick rundown. I’m alive, relatively well, and busy with a whole slew of life things. Will write more later.

Returning Home

Well, my husband is coming back today. Yay!!

Yeah, I blame loneliness on that depressive episode. Definitely. Now it’s going to be remedied, so, woot!

I’ll have to be honest that I was a little bit scared for him when he got on the plane in Shanghai. Because he was supposed to transfer at Seoul (he was flying Korean Airlines), and the time of course coincided with the exact time Kim Jong Un screaming about shooting missiles at Guam. With the tendency of North Korea always threatening things granted I wasn’t at all worried that the missiles would actually reach anywhere near Guam, and 99.9999% sure they wouldn’t be fired in the first place per the usual pattern. But there was that small nagging feeling that, well, if the missiles did get fired it certainly could reach a domestic flight from Seoul heading toward the US. Tiny, but still there, and so I didn’t quite sleep last night either. Of course I checked news to see if any missiles were fired (none), but I don’t think anxiety knows when to shut off, you know?

Anyway, I’m feeling happy today. And my back hurts from me cleaning the house last night (way way way way overdue), but nothing a good stretching session wouldn’t fix.

 

13 Reasons Why (Spoilers)

So I finished 13 Reasons Why. Actually finished last week but you know, depressive episode and all made me not want to talk about it so much. But I’m good for it now. Major spoilers alert so, yeah.

I think it’s very well done. I like how realistic the dialogue feels, and I love all the interactions between all the kids involved. Yes, objectively what they do to each other is pretty horrifying. But it doesn’t make any less real or interesting. I personally have known people like Courtney, not the lesbian part (they could be; I mean I would never know would I?), but the attitude, her posse, the way she thinks righteously that it’ll harm her family, etc. Yes, I totally see that she is using it as a flimsy excuse, but I can also see her reasoning and how she tried to “logic” and convince herself of it . I also know people like Marcus. I went to a magnet school with no sports team, so all the jock vs nerd stuff didn’t really apply. But the overachievers, the really weird people (like Tyler and Alex and Clay), the way administrators handle things – too familiar. Bullying is part of every school. I’m sure most school’s adults handle it horrifically.

It’s quite interesting that, at least the way the show was set up, everything is given more or less equal weight. To me that’s absurd. Someone publishing a poem or told people to stop giving a specific someone compliments does not in any way equal repeated rape. But to a teenager I think it might not be so clear cut. The tape is every little thing that added up that broke Hannah completely. By the time Bryce raped her she was already beyond spent. All those things she had experienced had “prepped” her, essentially, so she’d think, well, of course that’s the logical ending to my story. I’m a slut so yeah of course someone who already committed rape would rape me, too. So while I kind of feel that a few of the kids weren’t that bad – Zach, for example, and Alex, really – they all piled on to Hannah’s already fragile psyche and chipped it away. Bryce’s action pushed her over the edge, but the rest of them had slowly pushed her until she was standing right by the edge in the first place.

On the other hand, I do like that even the out-and-out “bad” people are portrayed as humans. (Except for Bryce. He feels like one of those people you all knew was “bad” but no one did – or could do – anything about it.) Justin did some seriously shitty things BUT he got abused at home a lot, so we see how messed up he really is and is not just a completely self-serving righteous asshole. (That would be Ryan and Courtney, I feel like. Seriously. What the fuck?) I like how little they actually show us about Alex or his home life but you can tell he’s deteriorating rapidly, although the last bit where he shot himself still took me by surprise. They showed so many people with access to guns throughout the last two episodes that I actually forgot that Alex would of course have access too. (Probably the point.) He also was the only other person actively trying to do the right thing after his fuck-ups. So it’s, well, not ironic, really, but it fits that he would also be on the suicide list.

I commend wholeheartedly how they handled showing Hannah’s actual suicide. It was not glamorized, it was not gratuitous, it looked super painful and horrible, just like it probably is in real life when you slit your wrists in the bathtub. I Googled how long it would take (yeah now Google is showing me ads to suicide prevention hotlines. I’m not suicidal I swear I just want to do some research!) and it said something like 2 hours. I mostly wanted to know if it’s possible to do it as a teenager living with your very involved parents. If it takes 2 hours then, yeah, probably. (Like, if you take sleeping pills chances are someone’ll definitely find you before you die.) So watching that scene was a pretty traumatizing. And what’s equally traumatizing is when her parents found her. I almost covered my eyes because I didn’t want to see the pain on those people’s faces when they realize what had happened. The last time I was this traumatized from a movie was Requiem for a Dream and…yeah…we’re not going to talk about that one.

The only thing I am baffled about this show is why the hell is there going to be a second season? Is it just milking the franchise or something? I don’t understand. The format of the series is perfectly set up to END. 13 tapes, 13 episodes, 13 reasons why Hannah killed herself up until her death. OK, MAYBE it could use one more episode to wrap up the court proceedings and stuff, because we saw hints of people owning up to their mistakes and such in the last episode. But definitely not enough for another whole season (of another 13 episodes, I assume?) unless someone ELSE (Alex?) made another series of tapes or something. Then it’s just gimmicky, and I think making this series gimmicky is a horrible way to treat how wonderful and poignant the first season had turned out to be. I’m not sure I want to watch the second season when it’s released. A story has wrapped up perfectly, stop making it longer than it should be for some arbitrary franchise reasons. Sometimes things should just end.

Reemergence

Well, this week was a wash.

I didn’t think I’d have a full-blown depressive episode. I think it’s a combination of both missing my s.o. and frustration with my novel. I mean, duh, but how much that had affected me took me by surprise. I think it’s mostly the novel, though. If my s.o. were here I’d have someone to bitch to, and he’d make me feel better somehow, and it wouldn’t be this bad. I’d be slightly productive instead of doing nothing but watch TV and Youtube for the past week. Yeah. Not cool.

I’m doing better today. I just decided to not sleep last night. Not a great decision – I need about two gallons of coffee now – but it somehow busted me out of my useless mindset. No idea why or how. Not sure if it makes any sense whatsoever. But hey, I turned my computer on for the first time in three days (I’ve been using my tablet for binging on crappy shows). I’m writing this blog again, which is writing! My mind’s clear (I did sleep a little after the sun came up). And I’m listening to Adele’s 25 and there’s nothing Adele and a good cry can’t fix. (So bloody glad I saw her live when she came to LA, 180 dollar ticket notwithstanding). I’m hopeful that I’ll get something productive done today. Fingers crossed.

Depression

I think I’m slightly depressed right now. Mostly from loneliness because of the brief separation from my husband. Yeah, a little pathetic, I know, but if you haven’t been apart for a while and you’ve been kind of stuck like glue you sort of feel it, you know? (I was away from him in May while visiting my family, but I had my family with me then, and not just me by myself in an empty house for two weeks). Also I feel a little hopeless about my novel. It seems like I never could progress further than one chapter a week at best, and there were like 10 chapters left when I started earlier this year and now there’re still 10 more chapter left because the book kept getting longer. I mean I’m not artificially lengthening my chapters or anything, it’s just that there’re more and more things to add as I get to know the plot better, the characters motivation better, you know, standard novel draft stuff. It makes me sad that I can never finish anything, it seems like. What am I working so hard for? It’ll never amount to anything. The sheer mountain of work is burying me even thinking about it. So why even try?

I should just suck it up and work regardless. That is the goal – work everyday regardless. But it is so goddamn hard. Just like working out and keep at it, knowing you may never see a result, not even years from now (there’s no guarantee you’ll lose weight, or lose as much as you hoped, even with regular exercising). I did well last week, kinda, but am losing steam this week. I’m not sure what I should be doing right now. I know I’ve been ridiculously stressed because I tend to grind my teeth at night when I’m stressed, and for the past week my jaw ached in the mornings because I’ve been chomping so hard. (It got a little better this week, but I can still feel it). I mean eventually you just suck it up and move on, but I’m not there yet. I have to start moving on, you know? I wanted to write today but couldn’t bring myself to open a word document. I’m not sure how I’ll move through this yet.