Returning Home

Well, my husband is coming back today. Yay!!

Yeah, I blame loneliness on that depressive episode. Definitely. Now it’s going to be remedied, so, woot!

I’ll have to be honest that I was a little bit scared for him when he got on the plane in Shanghai. Because he was supposed to transfer at Seoul (he was flying Korean Airlines), and the time of course coincided with the exact time Kim Jong Un screaming about shooting missiles at Guam. With the tendency of North Korea always threatening things granted I wasn’t at all worried that the missiles would actually reach anywhere near Guam, and 99.9999% sure they wouldn’t be fired in the first place per the usual pattern. But there was that small nagging feeling that, well, if the missiles did get fired it certainly could reach a domestic flight from Seoul heading toward the US. Tiny, but still there, and so I didn’t quite sleep last night either. Of course I checked news to see if any missiles were fired (none), but I don’t think anxiety knows when to shut off, you know?

Anyway, I’m feeling happy today. And my back hurts from me cleaning the house last night (way way way way overdue), but nothing a good stretching session wouldn’t fix.

 

Reemergence

Well, this week was a wash.

I didn’t think I’d have a full-blown depressive episode. I think it’s a combination of both missing my s.o. and frustration with my novel. I mean, duh, but how much that had affected me took me by surprise. I think it’s mostly the novel, though. If my s.o. were here I’d have someone to bitch to, and he’d make me feel better somehow, and it wouldn’t be this bad. I’d be slightly productive instead of doing nothing but watch TV and Youtube for the past week. Yeah. Not cool.

I’m doing better today. I just decided to not sleep last night. Not a great decision – I need about two gallons of coffee now – but it somehow busted me out of my useless mindset. No idea why or how. Not sure if it makes any sense whatsoever. But hey, I turned my computer on for the first time in three days (I’ve been using my tablet for binging on crappy shows). I’m writing this blog again, which is writing! My mind’s clear (I did sleep a little after the sun came up). And I’m listening to Adele’s 25 and there’s nothing Adele and a good cry can’t fix. (So bloody glad I saw her live when she came to LA, 180 dollar ticket notwithstanding). I’m hopeful that I’ll get something productive done today. Fingers crossed.

Depression

I think I’m slightly depressed right now. Mostly from loneliness because of the brief separation from my husband. Yeah, a little pathetic, I know, but if you haven’t been apart for a while and you’ve been kind of stuck like glue you sort of feel it, you know? (I was away from him in May while visiting my family, but I had my family with me then, and not just me by myself in an empty house for two weeks). Also I feel a little hopeless about my novel. It seems like I never could progress further than one chapter a week at best, and there were like 10 chapters left when I started earlier this year and now there’re still 10 more chapter left because the book kept getting longer. I mean I’m not artificially lengthening my chapters or anything, it’s just that there’re more and more things to add as I get to know the plot better, the characters motivation better, you know, standard novel draft stuff. It makes me sad that I can never finish anything, it seems like. What am I working so hard for? It’ll never amount to anything. The sheer mountain of work is burying me even thinking about it. So why even try?

I should just suck it up and work regardless. That is the goal – work everyday regardless. But it is so goddamn hard. Just like working out and keep at it, knowing you may never see a result, not even years from now (there’s no guarantee you’ll lose weight, or lose as much as you hoped, even with regular exercising). I did well last week, kinda, but am losing steam this week. I’m not sure what I should be doing right now. I know I’ve been ridiculously stressed because I tend to grind my teeth at night when I’m stressed, and for the past week my jaw ached in the mornings because I’ve been chomping so hard. (It got a little better this week, but I can still feel it). I mean eventually you just suck it up and move on, but I’m not there yet. I have to start moving on, you know? I wanted to write today but couldn’t bring myself to open a word document. I’m not sure how I’ll move through this yet.

Happy Thoughts

It’s now morning (well, almost noon) and my husband hasn’t called yet, but I’m feeling much better. I had an unsettling dream (don’t remember exactly what) and I freaked out a little bit over my past mistakes when I woke up, but other than that I’d say it’s an alright start. Iv’e also done a lot of my morning routine much quicker. Huh, never realized talking to someone would actually take up a lot of time. If I just do all my routine in absolute silence I’d probably get it done in 2/3 of the time. But that’d be boring, and a little creepy too if there’re other people around you, like you’re a robot or something.

Speaking of robots, I’ve started to read Philip K. Dick’s short story collection last night, and then after the first one I promptly decided that I’m not going to read them while my husband’s gone. Way too dystopian, literary, and depressing (and usually those are the stories I find fascinating). I need some cheerful happy things to read right now, you know? So I think I’m just going to read comic books. I’ve just started on Saga and so far the two volumes I’ve read are pretty awesome. I also haven’t got through the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series yet (I have up to book 9; they’re so fun and lighthearted and quick to read! Children’s book sometimes can be great escapes if your life is not quite up to par, I think.) So I think the next half month I’ll just be drowning in cartoons because, well, it’s not really a time for contemplating our measly existence against killer robots right now. That can be done later, when I’m in better mental shape.

Loneliness

My husband just left for a two-week trip. I’m feeling kind of lonely, so hey, what’s a better time to blog than now?

It’s been a while since I’ve been left by myself completely while husband goes on a trip. Usually we travel together, or like the last time I left first and then we came back together. It’s kind of lonely, and by kind of I mean very. I cried a little bit because I miss him. He’d never left this late before which contributed. If he were to travel during the morning then by the time night rolls I around I got a whole day to get readjusted and my feelings sorted out, and then everything’s fine. Now I’m just sad. Your house really doesn’t sound so quiet until you’re truly by yourself, you know? Then you’re like, oy, it’ll be two weeks of this? Yeesh!

I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve lived alone for so long before getting together with someone, but then you get used to it, right? I’m sure at some point I was like dude leave me alone it’s too loud in here! The total opposite of now. My husband’s flight is about 12 +3-4 hours (layover) total. So by the time I wake up tomorrow morning he should be able to video chat me. So that’s not too bad. I always do this, actually, when we’re apart. I would be super sad for a few days and then in a week I’ll be back to “alone” mode and everything’s normal again. (Having friends to hang out with also help, but not a requisite.)

I’ve decided that to battle boredom I’m just going to clean the entire friggin’ house for the next two weeks. I don’t mean the usual vaccum/dust/mop thing. I mean like, sort every single crap we’ve neglected to put away these, um, six months? Longer? Anyway, sort everything and put them in their respective places (and if there’s no places yet, make one, new house and all) and then clean everything. The amount of junkmail that we need to shred is like a giant basketfull just sitting on the dining room table. Plus more files/books/knickknacks/souvenirs from travel etc. etc. Hoo, that plus work will keep me busy. Before you know it my husband’ll be back and he’ll be like wow, you’ve been so productive and I’d be like, yeah… I missed you so ultra organization mode kicked in. Then we can actually invite people over without me thinking how messy this house is. I’d consider that a win.

Distracted

I’m supposed to be working – been at the computer for a good two hours now, and I’ve gotten exactly 141 words done. I kept on getting distracted by everything – cute websites, images galleries, kotaku, my army of ipad apps that I play, playlists on Youtube. Oy. Later I have to go out and do the week’s shopping, and tomorrow we’re going to Chinatown, so more time spent. I need to work. But I’m just not concentrating.

My s.o. bought a fidget spinner and it arrived today. I can confidently say that I am not a fan of fidget spinners mostly because my hands are too small to use them effectively. I don’t know what kids do, but I sure as hell can’t spin that thing one-handed without hitting various parts of my fingers. It also doesn’t help with my anxiety. I’ve never spun pens or anything and a toy like that just makes my hand ache. I think a fidget cube is more to my style. I actually want to buy the original, high-quality one from antsy labs, but boy, do they charge a premium. Since Amazon Prime Day is coming up maybe I can snag a deal for a much cheaper alternative. Of course I’d be compromising on quality, but if it turns out that fidget cubes don’t help at least I didn’t just waste 25 dollars trying.

I should’ve gone to the beach with the weather so nice today. But I’m just stuck in the house trying to work and NOT working and wasting my day. I don’t feel very good about how I’m spending my day right now.

A Little Behind

I didn’t work yesterday. I also didn’t work on July 4th because I went a party that lasted pretty much all day. It was awesome! Just…not very productive…

I have so many things I want to talk about on this blog it’s kind of, I don’t know, intimidating? I feel like once I miss the window (like, say, watching Wonder Woman a month ago and STILL HAVEN’T got around to blog about how pretty awesome it was. Or Moonlight. I really want to talk about it but I saw that movie seriously like half a year ago. There’s still half a post sitting in the draft folder. Crazy.) I totally would never talk about it again. It just feels so weird, you know? So..I don’t know where I’m going with this exactly, just that I want to post more and just been too lazy. Major procrastinator, this one.

I’m going to work today. I’m actually doing fairly well on Camp NaNoWriMo for once, pretty much kept to schedule until, well, yesterday. And if you’re thinking “girl it’s only been 7 days” well, I don’t think I’ve ever kept up past day 3 in these challenges, so it’s almost double the length, so, yeah, totally legit victory!

Ugh, lame, I know. Well, I’m going to try to catch up this weekend. At least then I can say I kept going despite setbacks, and not that I failed again. Fingers crossed.