Reading With No Time

Have you ever found a new book to read, and checked it out the library or bought it, and wanted to slot a time to read it because you know it’ll be good, and then just never actually find the time to slot it to read it because you keep putting it off because you have a zillion other things to do that needed to be taken care of NOW? Yeah, that’s yours truly, and the kicker is that I checked this book out of the library and I think it’s due in a like a few days, and I haven’t even started.

The book is Howards End by E.M.Forster. I’ve read one book by Forster before, Maurice, and loved it. That book was so good; it’s definitely ahead of its time by like 100 years. So when I read a random article on Vogue about the new series “Howards End” that’s based on another one of his books I thought, well then, time to check this one out too. I read like the first paragraph and went ‘this’ll be excellent too’ and then I never had time to read any further. Ugh.

Maybe I should seriously consider setting aside 30 minutes every day to read? I know that there’re habit trackers that help with that, and would be a good addition to my bullet journal. There’re so many things that I want to/need to read that I’m further behind in my good book backlog than  my video games/tv shows backlog, I’m sure. Why does life just feel like a series of things that you try to keep up to get done before you kick the bucket? Hah. That’s a morbid thought, especially for someone as sickly as me. But I think a set time to tackle at least the literary front (not a specific time, just 30 min every day whenever) is a good start.

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It’s May

May 1st. Yep. Camp NaNo is over and I only wrote…very little. Only about 6500 words out of the 20k I planned. Yikes! Granted part of it was because my father-in-law came to visit and that sucked up a whole week of time. Then it was just downhill from there. I took a few days to get back in the groove, then I had some minor writer’s block, then I was insanely busy for a weekend and that set me back to the beginning again. Goddamn, writing really is like exercising, isn’t it? Starting is the hardest part, but it does get easier if you keep up, but as soon as you skip a few days you’re basically straight back to the hardest part again. The trick is to not stop, but, I mean, that’s hard too! Why is life so hard?!

Okay, I will stop whining now. I mean, I do a lot of whining here, so, it’s nothing new, but I will stop for today. It’s a new month. I have a new bullet journal all fresh and beautifully made up. I am starting working right now so I know I can get work done today, at least. Sigh. I like to say one day at a time but really, the way this pattern goes it’s not one day at a time at all. It’s at the shortest one week at a time. So one week at a time should be my new motto. I will meet all my goals this week. We’ll see what next week brings.

My Adventure in Health 2018 Edition: Part Two – Hospital Stay

When life gives you lemons, you make…a really stressful trip through the hospital and they remove your tumor. Yeah…that didn’t flow I know, but life really gave me a bucket of lemons and I guess I’ll squeeze them one by one. Today, we shall talk about the procedure.

I opted for the open procedure where no robotics were used and they got the whole tumor out in one giant lump. And it was giant – weighed over a kilo and pretty much had been impeding my bladder function for the better part of six months. Benign, so that’s a relief (apparently even the technicians thought it might not be so the result came in like 2 days instead of the usual week, surprised even my doctor). Because of anesthesia I pretty much don’t have memories of anything an hour before and apparently five hours after the surgery. My husband had to recap me on what happened – the procedure took all morning, and they just couldn’t bring up my blood pressure to stabilization for like hours afterwards. When they finally did I was rolled (on a gurney, with two dude nurses moving me – I’d be scared or bewildered had I had the energy to be any of that at the time) into my hospital room at 7 pm. I wasn’t in that much pain because they used a nerve blocker (ah the progress of medicine). I was hopped on a lot of painkiller after so in that regard, it was fine.

The hospital was really nice and all the nurses were attentive. And the food wasn’t shit. Like seriously, I mean hospital food are usually bland and horrible but it’s true that to patients like me, it’s actually palatable because eating things without wanting to throw up is a major feat. So is going to the bathroom. I had a huge blood clot afterwards that again, blocked my bladder function, so they had to put a catheter in me. And as painful as inserting a catheter is, I’ll have to say in my short, relatively healthy life the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced was the sensation when you want to but can’t pee. It was horrendous; I never want to go through that fucking ever again. It was so bad I think I started crying uncontrollably. I’m sure childbirth will be more painful but, you know it’s different. Pain I know how to handle and what it means, this thing, man, it’s a different sensation and it’s just so bad.

That was the first day. After that my blood pressure was super low so they had to do a blood transfusion. Well, guess who has really small and deep veins that’re dehydrated because, you know, surgery shit? So they had to put the IV on my hand instead of my arm, and boy did the blood transfusion hurt. My entire hand and up to my elbow felt like someone’s pumping 5 thousand liters of water into a small 1 cm tube. The nurse had it on the slowest setting and I was on a lot of painkillers and it still hurt like a bitch. It worked; I’m alive, my blood pressure stabilized, the blood count went up, I didn’t have any allergic reactions and to my current knowledge no weird diseases, all that good stuff. So yeah, another prop to modern medicine?

It was less eventful after that. I got up and walked (because they force you to walk around because apparently that makes you better quicker – there’s actual research about it) a bit. I had to keep the catheter in until after I get home because the swelling wouldn’t have gone down that quickly – a whole new situation which I will talk about next time. The nurses all had different shifts so I’ve probably seen like a dozen people during the time but I only vaguely remembered people in the last day and a half – the first two I was too out of it to recognize my caretakers. They were all very professional and nice and attentive so props to them! Sorry I was so bad at remembering – too many drugs going on at once.

My Adventure in Health 2018 Edition: Part One – Overview

Hello everyone. It’s now January of 2018, and I’ve been pretty much MIA from the net (and computer in general) since right after Thanksgiving 2017. Truth be told, 2017 was a shitty year. It started off okay, was good when me and my husband went to Japan in May, and then it’s just as steady decline to shitville. I am so glad it’s over. 2018 has got to be better than last, although, now that I’ve said it out loud, I probably just jinxed it so it’ll be much much worse.

But hopefully not.

Anyways, since I want to start fresh, I need to get rid of my last year’s baggage. So I’m going to spend a few days talking about my last month health-wise. I’ve had a major operation where a large fibroid tumor was removed, leaving me a 5 1/2 inch scar on my abdomen like a c-section. I was in the hospital for four days, had 1000 cc (a full liter) of blood transfused into me, was basically bed-ridden for the majority of the month of December, and to date still can’t bend my middle section nor lift anything heavier than 10 lbs (hence I could not sit up on my desk chair and so my computer was off for basically the whole month) In addition, I’ve had another cornea abrasion – that would be the third one. Yes, it busted open again as soon as I opened my eyes in the morning, and I will talk about why later, because I am just that unlucky apparently. I’ve got enough narcotics to jump start an addiction and am tapering off them (successfully, I might add, no I did not get high because that’s dangerous. Nobody wants to voluntarily be a junkie.) One good news is that my tumor was benign, so no cancer for this girl, but everything else accompanying it was shit.

And that’s the overview. I’ll write in detail later, because sitting in this chair right now is a feat, and I still can’t laugh (the belly kind) without hurting myself. Nor can I cough or sneeze without wincing.  It’ll be another month before I could function more or less normal. I’m certainly looking forward to that.

Scratched Cornea – Round Two

Remember me getting my cornea scratched and it healed really slowly? Yeah…no…it didn’t heal at all! I was with my therapist last week and then suddenly my eye hurt something awful. I went to doctor’s and turned out that my scratch didn’t heal because there were loose skin and a lot of other things in it. (Should’ve gone to an ophthalmologist but I didn’t have one and didn’t have time to properly search for one. My fault.) My primary physician got me a recommendation so I went. The ophthalmologist cleaned the wound, put in a stem-cell membrane (never knew they exist!), and then put a contact on top of it to keep it in place. I got prescribed some serious antibiotic drops (like it burned when put in and my eye was sore for an hour afterwards) and a good dose of Vicotin for pain management (can’t take ibuprofen due to upcoming surgery). First time I had actual narcotics, btw; I feel like House. Anyway, after a week of constant checkups and adjusting medication, my eye healed. Finally. My doctor was like, okay, you need to eat more fish and omega-3 supplements, because you have a large deposit of oil around your eye. Either genetics or because you use computer too much (probably both), but anyway it’s not good since you’re so young. I’m like great, I just got my iron levels up and now it’s more pills. But at least I’m aware of it now, right?

So yeah, sorry I’ve been so sporadic with my posting and it’s all filled with bad health things and nothing fun. I’ll try harder hen I get my surgery done and in bed resting with nothing to do but…type on my laptop and watch TV? I hope you guys at least had a great Thanksgiving weekend. Mine was okay – we didn’t invite anyone and had a really small meal (comparatively) for the two of us. I’m just glad I’m generally okay-ish now. Need my energy for the upcoming crap.

Doc Week

This week is filled with doctor appointments. It’s getting close to my operation and there’re more things that need to be done before then. Find a will online (no time for lawyer) and get that notarized, clean the house, call insurance, find eye doctor, etc. etc. My eye’s behaving badly because it’s dry as a desert right now and the stupid cornea abrasion hasn’t completely healed yet (trusty humidifier saves the day!). So much to do with the holidays coming up. At least it’ll keep my mind off the operation thing.

I went to my ob/gyn for the pre-op session. Basically just talking about the risks and recovery process. I learned that there’s a risk for undiagnosed cancer hidden in the fibroid – a form of sarcoma. If they use the minimally invasive procedure that requires breaking up the tumor in many pieces they could unintentionally spread the cancer, which would turn a Stage 2 cancer to a Stage 4. (This isn’t a hypothetical; it has happened before and hence why the information). Sarcomas’ survival rate is pretty low in general, though, so it wouldn’t make that much of a difference I suppose, but a 40-60% definitely looks better than a 15% survival rate (although a completely recovery longer than 5 years seems to be only about 15% – if I have this cancer I probably will just die of it). I mean the likelihood of me having a rare hidden cancer while exhibiting no symptoms whatsoever is pretty damn low. I could opt to not do the minimally invasive one and just let them cut me open like a C-section, which they might have to do anyway since my fibroid is too big, but the recovery time’ll be doubled and I’ll be in much more pain. So all that for a .3 – .06 % chance of cancer. I’m not sure.

I have until the day of the surgery to decide so I think I’ll take my time. They took more blood test to see if there’s any sign of malignancy, which I’ll get the result in a few days. Meanwhile I think I’ll just wait for my Pokemon UltraSun to arrive and play that to keep my mind off things. Oh and also calm my husband down. He’s at work right now freaking out about that I might get cancer (again, I don’t think I have cancer, and neither does the doctor at this point). Good thing I see my therapist regularly. Maybe I should really try to convince him to go to one, too?

A Busy Saturday

I’m slotting today for working on NaNo. No, I’m not “behind” per se (or I’m just perpetually “behind” since I wasn’t aiming for 50k to begin with), but I am behind in the sense that I didn’t write the sections that I wanted yesterday, because I need to really sort out my timeline for the novel – again! How many bloody timelines do I have to do per novel? So far my number is like, 5, but I thought that’s already like 4 to many – considering I thought I had a pretty comprehensive timeline to begin with. Ah, guess novel plots change all the time, part of the course.

I tried the methods my therapist told me, and it was horrible! OK, so the relaxation one worked. I could feel it working and afterwards I feel like my shoulders are less tension-y, which is good. The other exercise though, boy. I thought I had like, 4 or 5 worries. Yeah…no…I wrote an entire page about everything I worry about – like 20 items or more – and then I freaked myself out. Right after the first day my heart was pounding and I was short of breath, and then when I exited the room there was a giant wolf spider just scurrying down the hall and I screamed like crazy (from being startled; I’m not that afraid of spiders except really venomous ones). Husband killed it, btw, since does bite. Anyway, I tried the thing again yesterday and I realized I was holding my breath the whole time and had to physically relax so I don’t end up passing out. I don’t know how this exercise is suppose to help. I guess we’ll see in a week if does anything aside from giving me a daily heart attack or something.