Returning Home

Well, my husband is coming back today. Yay!!

Yeah, I blame loneliness on that depressive episode. Definitely. Now it’s going to be remedied, so, woot!

I’ll have to be honest that I was a little bit scared for him when he got on the plane in Shanghai. Because he was supposed to transfer at Seoul (he was flying Korean Airlines), and the time of course coincided with the exact time Kim Jong Un screaming about shooting missiles at Guam. With the tendency of North Korea always threatening things granted I wasn’t at all worried that the missiles would actually reach anywhere near Guam, and 99.9999% sure they wouldn’t be fired in the first place per the usual pattern. But there was that small nagging feeling that, well, if the missiles did get fired it certainly could reach a domestic flight from Seoul heading toward the US. Tiny, but still there, and so I didn’t quite sleep last night either. Of course I checked news to see if any missiles were fired (none), but I don’t think anxiety knows when to shut off, you know?

Anyway, I’m feeling happy today. And my back hurts from me cleaning the house last night (way way way way overdue), but nothing a good stretching session wouldn’t fix.

 

13 Reasons Why (Spoilers)

So I finished 13 Reasons Why. Actually finished last week but you know, depressive episode and all made me not want to talk about it so much. But I’m good for it now. Major spoilers alert so, yeah.

I think it’s very well done. I like how realistic the dialogue feels, and I love all the interactions between all the kids involved. Yes, objectively what they do to each other is pretty horrifying. But it doesn’t make any less real or interesting. I personally have known people like Courtney, not the lesbian part (they could be; I mean I would never know would I?), but the attitude, her posse, the way she thinks righteously that it’ll harm her family, etc. Yes, I totally see that she is using it as a flimsy excuse, but I can also see her reasoning and how she tried to “logic” and convince herself of it . I also know people like Marcus. I went to a magnet school with no sports team, so all the jock vs nerd stuff didn’t really apply. But the overachievers, the really weird people (like Tyler and Alex and Clay), the way administrators handle things – too familiar. Bullying is part of every school. I’m sure most school’s adults handle it horrifically.

It’s quite interesting that, at least the way the show was set up, everything is given more or less equal weight. To me that’s absurd. Someone publishing a poem or told people to stop giving a specific someone compliments does not in any way equal repeated rape. But to a teenager I think it might not be so clear cut. The tape is every little thing that added up that broke Hannah completely. By the time Bryce raped her she was already beyond spent. All those things she had experienced had “prepped” her, essentially, so she’d think, well, of course that’s the logical ending to my story. I’m a slut so yeah of course someone who already committed rape would rape me, too. So while I kind of feel that a few of the kids weren’t that bad – Zach, for example, and Alex, really – they all piled on to Hannah’s already fragile psyche and chipped it away. Bryce’s action pushed her over the edge, but the rest of them had slowly pushed her until she was standing right by the edge in the first place.

On the other hand, I do like that even the out-and-out “bad” people are portrayed as humans. (Except for Bryce. He feels like one of those people you all knew was “bad” but no one did – or could do – anything about it.) Justin did some seriously shitty things BUT he got abused at home a lot, so we see how messed up he really is and is not just a completely self-serving righteous asshole. (That would be Ryan and Courtney, I feel like. Seriously. What the fuck?) I like how little they actually show us about Alex or his home life but you can tell he’s deteriorating rapidly, although the last bit where he shot himself still took me by surprise. They showed so many people with access to guns throughout the last two episodes that I actually forgot that Alex would of course have access too. (Probably the point.) He also was the only other person actively trying to do the right thing after his fuck-ups. So it’s, well, not ironic, really, but it fits that he would also be on the suicide list.

I commend wholeheartedly how they handled showing Hannah’s actual suicide. It was not glamorized, it was not gratuitous, it looked super painful and horrible, just like it probably is in real life when you slit your wrists in the bathtub. I Googled how long it would take (yeah now Google is showing me ads to suicide prevention hotlines. I’m not suicidal I swear I just want to do some research!) and it said something like 2 hours. I mostly wanted to know if it’s possible to do it as a teenager living with your very involved parents. If it takes 2 hours then, yeah, probably. (Like, if you take sleeping pills chances are someone’ll definitely find you before you die.) So watching that scene was a pretty traumatizing. And what’s equally traumatizing is when her parents found her. I almost covered my eyes because I didn’t want to see the pain on those people’s faces when they realize what had happened. The last time I was this traumatized from a movie was Requiem for a Dream and…yeah…we’re not going to talk about that one.

The only thing I am baffled about this show is why the hell is there going to be a second season? Is it just milking the franchise or something? I don’t understand. The format of the series is perfectly set up to END. 13 tapes, 13 episodes, 13 reasons why Hannah killed herself up until her death. OK, MAYBE it could use one more episode to wrap up the court proceedings and stuff, because we saw hints of people owning up to their mistakes and such in the last episode. But definitely not enough for another whole season (of another 13 episodes, I assume?) unless someone ELSE (Alex?) made another series of tapes or something. Then it’s just gimmicky, and I think making this series gimmicky is a horrible way to treat how wonderful and poignant the first season had turned out to be. I’m not sure I want to watch the second season when it’s released. A story has wrapped up perfectly, stop making it longer than it should be for some arbitrary franchise reasons. Sometimes things should just end.

Reemergence

Well, this week was a wash.

I didn’t think I’d have a full-blown depressive episode. I think it’s a combination of both missing my s.o. and frustration with my novel. I mean, duh, but how much that had affected me took me by surprise. I think it’s mostly the novel, though. If my s.o. were here I’d have someone to bitch to, and he’d make me feel better somehow, and it wouldn’t be this bad. I’d be slightly productive instead of doing nothing but watch TV and Youtube for the past week. Yeah. Not cool.

I’m doing better today. I just decided to not sleep last night. Not a great decision – I need about two gallons of coffee now – but it somehow busted me out of my useless mindset. No idea why or how. Not sure if it makes any sense whatsoever. But hey, I turned my computer on for the first time in three days (I’ve been using my tablet for binging on crappy shows). I’m writing this blog again, which is writing! My mind’s clear (I did sleep a little after the sun came up). And I’m listening to Adele’s 25 and there’s nothing Adele and a good cry can’t fix. (So bloody glad I saw her live when she came to LA, 180 dollar ticket notwithstanding). I’m hopeful that I’ll get something productive done today. Fingers crossed.

Depression

I think I’m slightly depressed right now. Mostly from loneliness because of the brief separation from my husband. Yeah, a little pathetic, I know, but if you haven’t been apart for a while and you’ve been kind of stuck like glue you sort of feel it, you know? (I was away from him in May while visiting my family, but I had my family with me then, and not just me by myself in an empty house for two weeks). Also I feel a little hopeless about my novel. It seems like I never could progress further than one chapter a week at best, and there were like 10 chapters left when I started earlier this year and now there’re still 10 more chapter left because the book kept getting longer. I mean I’m not artificially lengthening my chapters or anything, it’s just that there’re more and more things to add as I get to know the plot better, the characters motivation better, you know, standard novel draft stuff. It makes me sad that I can never finish anything, it seems like. What am I working so hard for? It’ll never amount to anything. The sheer mountain of work is burying me even thinking about it. So why even try?

I should just suck it up and work regardless. That is the goal – work everyday regardless. But it is so goddamn hard. Just like working out and keep at it, knowing you may never see a result, not even years from now (there’s no guarantee you’ll lose weight, or lose as much as you hoped, even with regular exercising). I did well last week, kinda, but am losing steam this week. I’m not sure what I should be doing right now. I know I’ve been ridiculously stressed because I tend to grind my teeth at night when I’m stressed, and for the past week my jaw ached in the mornings because I’ve been chomping so hard. (It got a little better this week, but I can still feel it). I mean eventually you just suck it up and move on, but I’m not there yet. I have to start moving on, you know? I wanted to write today but couldn’t bring myself to open a word document. I’m not sure how I’ll move through this yet.

One of Those Days Again

Today is one of those days where I just don’t feel like working. I want to lie down on the bed, get some snacks, and read or play some video games. It’s Saturday, I know, but seriously my job has no “days off,” or can have one any day of the week, which I’ve deemed, so far, as Wednesday. And today is not it!

My novel feels endless. I mean, it’s moving forward, yes, but the end goalpost keeps moving too. It has blossomed from a novella to a full blown novel of 40k and now it’s going toward 60k with no stopping. I feel like I’m at the half way mark since forever. It feels so discouraging! Everybody just tells me to “keep pushing” but, what if the push takes 10 years? OK, it won’t take 10 years, hopefully, but another year is a total possibility and that makes me so sad. I’m supposed to be done with this this month and move on to my short stories. What in the seventh hell?

I feel like I know exactly what to do with my life, but that goal is bad. It’s like someone deemed their goal in life is to eat Cheetos and watch TV. Yeah, it’s a goal, but you’ll die if you don’t make money. And that’s where I am. I’m writing a novel with no money. I’m only lucky that I have a supportive family and stuff. And what am I doing? Writing at a snail’s pace on ONE novel, forever. It’s ridiculous. But even keeping up with the daily word count is hard. I should be pushing myself to the limit, but I’ve done that, and all that did was drive me into further depression and completely block my creative side. I’ve learned to pace myself now, but then, the pace is way too slow. It’s like nothing ever goes right in this career path. But then I also don’t know, literally, how to do anything else. And if I try to start over (i.e. give up writing and find a “normal” job), well, I’ve been out of work for five years. So yeah, it’ll be shit with shit pay and shit hours, so, again, not helping any either. It’s really not worth it.

I’m alright. It’s just one of those days. I don’t know what to do with myself besides keep going.

13 Reasons Why (No Spoilers)

I’ve started watching 13 Reasons Why as a continuation of serious topic depressing film binge. Kinda. Anyway, I had no idea what exactly it’s about except something involving suicide (not a spoiler, you literally knew this within first sentence spoken). And at first it was, well, the normal kind of stuff you expect in film when someone dies young and unexpectedly. I really didn’t get into it the first half of the episode. It was slow and it was about high school, and I’m way too old to be the demographic (also I never was into teenage angst or drama in fiction, not even when I was actually in high school). So it was kind of meh for a while.

And of course then the “hook” comes and I was like, whoa, this has now become very interesting! So now I want to binge (shouldn’t! Stayed up way too late last night and so woke up way too late this morning and, yeah…don’t start watching new Netflix series at midnight please) on it. I like how that it turned from people grieving and all that stuff into sort of a semi-murder mystery. And I guess it gave me a glimpse of what current teenagers have to deal with, maybe? I don’t know, it seems like it, because I never had to deal with mass texting and instagram and all those stuff when I was a kid. Which now I think is a great, great blessing.

I’ve only finished 2 episodes (cause you know I have to get up and work and stuff) so far and I think I need to pace myself. Not because I want to, but I found that I absorb and digest screen media best if I limit it to 2 hours a day or so. It’s like anymore then all the plot starts to get jumbled together and any impact those previous episodes had loses its meaning somehow. So it’ll be a bit before I finish it. I am very excited to!

Don’t worry, I’ll watch Moana after this. Not going to binge on heavy stuff for too long a time.

Friday Fictioneers – #9

Photo Prompt:

flowers-and-packing-boxes-dale-r
Copyright Dale Rogerson.

 

A Gift

There were fresh flowers lying in a tool box in the garage. A note was attached to it. “Happy Mother’s Day,” it said, gold letters embossed on cream eggshell. There was even a pink bow tying the stems together.

They got delivered late due to a scheduling mishap. Rachel was on her way back already from her mother’s wake. They belonged in the trash but pickup wasn’t until next Wednesday, and Denise didn’t want Rachel to see them, even wilting in the bin. So out with the screwdrivers they sat, until she could drive out – alone – and dispose of them.